the struggle of wanting to message someone but knowing that the person will never message you back.I follow back everyone!
Quite honestly I don’t even know how to start this post. There’s just been so many things that I feel have happened or that I need to talk about since the last time I wrote and vented.
so far: him, friends, college, happiness vs. depression
^I started this post awhile ago and strange how all of these are so relevant still. Is that sad?
I would actually just write this out, they say journaling is good for you, you know, but I’m too lazy to actually get out my notebook and write this all down. Typing all this out and tumbling it down is a lot easier for me right now.
So first off, let’s talk about him. I don’t know where to even start. At this point, I’m pretty sure I’m in love with him and my heart is broken. I keep going through these phases where I don’t care and I want to not think about him, like I feel genuinely happy, and then I go through times like now where I feel like complete shit. Have you ever gone through a time where every song seemed so relevant to you? I feel like that happens twice: one, where you’re falling in love or are in love, and the other when your heart breaks. With him I’ve gone through both and sucky enough to say I’m in that later category right now. I don’t even know why, maybe my hormones are being little shits to me right now and adding to it but right now, this very moment I feel so sad and heartbroken that I don’t want to do anything. (which is horrible because I have finals) But, seriously I’ll listen to songs that I’ve heard a million times over and some how they strike a chord with me. The lyrics make sense and I understand. The: not wanting to love you, trying to get over you, knowing that this is nothing, it is all so relevant. At the same time these songs make sense to me the songs about how in love you are, just wanting to be with that someone, love and all of it’s good stuff still hits me too, but in a different way. I feel like I still feel these things for him and I shouldn’t. This, quite honestly, is the first time I’ve felt like this and I don’t know what to do.
But here’s the thing, it comes on and off, this sadness, so I can’t even tell myself what I’m feeling. In my heart of hearts I know I love him. I shouldn’t. I don’t want to. But I do. Like earlier this week, I was genuinely happy and for the most part I was over the situation. But I think this is just my head and my heart fighting over what to feel. The rational part of me knows that I need to get over him. I mean, there was no real way we could have ever really been together, but my heart tells me otherwise. My feelings are telling me that I can’t feel this way about someone and have known him for this long for this, this way, to be the end of it. Like all of this can’t be for nothing. I want to believe that this has an ending. Not necessarily a happy one, but a content one nonetheless. I want an ending that will give me closure and let me not have to think about him everyday. Not want to check his Instagram and see how happy he is with his girlfriend. Not wanting to die and instantly feel like my heart breaks even more when he post about his girlfriend and she post about him, hashtagging ‘amoremio’, ‘mylove’, having fucking heart emojis everywhere. I try to mentally prepare myself to see this because I know they are together, but every time there is a new picture my heart breaks a little more. The thing is I know he is happy and I’m perfectly fine with that. I want him to be happy. Apart of me always knew he couldn’t be single forever. I don’t even understand how he was that single for as long as I’ve known him. Apart of me wanted him to get a girlfriend, and I kinda regret every bit of that want now. He’s happy and I’m ok with that, I’m just sad that I’m not the source of that. I think the other thing that kills me is that of all the years that I’ve know him I know he’s had two girlfriends. This is the only one I’ve ever blatantly seen him post about, which makes me know he actually
loves likes her and I can’t be mad at him for that. I think the timing of it is what is killing me. Out of the years I’ve known him, why couldn’t he get a girlfriend when I didn’t have feelings for him. Why didn’t this happen when we didn’t talk so frequently and I didn’t care? Why couldn’t he get his girlfriend on a different year where I was actually wasn’t visiting the country he stays in? I hate it, but I can’t do anything about it, and this is where the rational part of me takes hold. I know I don’t mean anything to him anymore, I honestly can’t even say we were ever really friends. This makes it so I can’t be mad. I was never a real part of his life. I’m pretty sure he’s never felt the same way about me as I have for him, and I know this. I can’t be mad for him having a girlfriend and being happy. I just can’t. That’s why my head and my heart are fighting. I don’t know how to feel, I want something, but I feel something else. I guess this equals why I feel so indifferent. I do know I feel heartbroken and I don’t know how to deal with this part because I know I shouldn’t feel this way.
I honestly feel like I could go on and on about him and apart of me wants to. Just so I do have that. I have that I can talk about it, so it doesn’t feel like it is actually over. Being able to just write about it, although it’s sad, makes me feel like it somehow keeps some hope alive. There’s an opposite to everything, there’s has a falseness to truth. So in writing this I’m able to keep something that I want alive, in a weird way because if I stop thinking about it and I stop writing about it then it will truly end, and I don’t want this. I still want this one irrational, tiny glimmer of a hope to live so that maybe I can get a happy ending.
But let’s be real happy ending are only for fairy tales.